i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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