the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
