im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
