So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
