After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
