just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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