I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
