you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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