dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
