I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
