i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
