How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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