She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
