he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize