i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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