Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
