there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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