It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
