Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
