My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
