i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
