Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
