I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
