he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
