as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
