how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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