also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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