I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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