i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
