Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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