You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
