Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
