Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i will never coherently bang her
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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