So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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