I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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