I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
