i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
