Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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