Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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