My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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