Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize