Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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