Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize