I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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