My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
