You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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