Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
