Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
