I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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