Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
