the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
