i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
