Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They have beer where we have blood.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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