I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
