she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
