I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
