I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
