Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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