Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
As shirtless as possible
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
